last time

This is the last that I will write in this blog... I am glad that I have had a place to write my thoughts and fears, hopes and joys... but I must bring this chapter to a close.
Nicholas, through your short life I learned what grief and deep sorrow is, I learned how to allow take everyday and see it as a gift. I have learned that I must hug your sisters tighter, hold your daddy longer and enjoy those that God has given to us everytime I see them, cause we really never know when they may be gone.
I miss you my son. I longed to have the mother son relationship, but that was not to be... at least this side of heaven. It is so comforting to know that you are being held by the hands that formed this earth and praising the One who gives life.
I love you Nicholas and can not wait for the day when I enter heaven and you lead me to the King of Kings and we worship Him together, whole and complete.

we are not replacing you

I just felt that I needed to say, even though I am pregnant, I still very much miss Nicholas. This baby growing inside me will never fill the gap of losing him. This child will be unique and special in their own way and I can not wait to find out and meet who ever this one and love it for who they are, but to those who wonder, yes I will always miss my Nicholas, the one that left a little too early.


by the way... if you have not heard the news I am 10 weeks pregnant.
May God grant me peace to endure this pregnancy.

you were should have been here!

Nicholas,
Today was your due date and you should have been here! You should have been sung Twinkle Twinkle by your sisters, you should be have been gently rocked by your daddy, you should have been in my arms!!!
You are not and today I am very saddened by that fact... I know where you are and Who holds you... but I am a little jealous...I wanted to be your mom, rock you, tell you stories, and to smell your sweet baby smell!!! And today I mourn my loss, but celebrate your little life and how wonderful our short time with you was and how many other lives were blessed and bettered in your passing!
We think about you everyday Little One and miss you dearly!


from you mom

Due date

Nicholas' due date was this weekend... I feel that I have been sucker punched by the loss of Jeff's job and my due date falling all in the same week... a week of disappointments yet there is such great hope.... Hope that does not disappoint!
I love you my sweet boy!

Time

For everything their is a season and even though I miss you my sweet boy, my grieving has lessened. I woke up today for probably the 1st time in a long time and did not dwell on my loss. My heart was ready to face the world. I am ready to tell our story...
And with that thought I am a little frightened, who needs comfort in there sorrow, who needs hope that they will live even with such great loss... someone one day will need our story of Gods mercy, grace, healing and hope. And Nicholas, I will tell our story!!
I love you my sweet Boy!

I know somebody....

Today I found out that a friend from church miscarried...she is now apart of the loneliest club....
Pray that God will bring her and her family comfort during the season of grief.

Layne

Today we were playing with some friends and the conversation of Nicholas came up. Layne proceeded to tell her friend all about that fateful Dr.s appointment. Layne told her friend all about the little thing that listens to the baby's heartbeat( the Doppler) and where they put it on mama's belly and that they could not find Nicholas' heart beat because he was dead and with Jesus. My heart broke all over again that I took her with me.. that I did not leave my kids with a friend and that she has had to walk through this. Her pain and grief is so very really and very hard as a mom to watch her walk through... if I could go back and change that decision I would. But I can not, so now I need to know the best way to come along side Layne and help her deal with her sorrow and sadness. Please keep Layne in your prayers. I am asking that My heavenly Father gives me wisdom and right response to all her questions, that I would have patients with her, that I would allow her to grieve so that she and I would both testify to Gods faithfulness through this trial of losing Nicholas.

not sure what to do....help!!!!

I was picking Layne up from school today and her teacher popped out of the class and asked to speak with me...yikes.
Ms Jami proceed to relay a conversation that she had had with Layne that day.
The class was talking about Mothers Day and what did you get for your mommy. Layne piped up "I got a card for my mom from my brother who lives in heaven." She paused for a minute and asked Ms Jami "do you have a baby in heaven"... silence... Ms Jami " Yes, Layne I do." awkward pause... Layne asked "is your baby a boy or a girl?"
Ms Jami said she did not know.

They were finally able to divert Layne's attention else where, but it seemed to really bother her teacher to discuss the topic of death and heaven. I know that it is not a popular topic, but is very real and very fresh in our minds. I just need advise on how to talk with Ms Jami about how Layne is dealing with her grief and help Layne find an outlet to express her grief.
Who knew that this loss would impact my daughter is such a huge way...I am sad for the innocence that is lost, but also so blessed see my daughter excited about Heaven and seeing Jesus... we tell her that is where Nicholas is and because she has asked Jesus in her heart one day too she will be with Jesus!

3 Months....

Today I grieve silently...it has been 3 months since I first learned that Nicholas had gone to be with Jesus....
I found it funny how on this day of all days I was watching my friends kids so that she could go to the Dr for a routine OB check... all is well with Baby Anna who will be making her grand appearance on July 10 and I am so excited to meet her. I have found myself dwelling on that last appointment I had....Thank you Jesus that you have carried me these last 90 days. Thank you for giving me great friends, my darling husband, Your Precious Word, my wonderful children and for chocolate...yes I have indulged.
We as a family are making it one day at a time. Trusting in God to sustain us each and every day... giving us all that we have need of!

Lessons I have learned from my sons life and death:
God is faithful
We are blessed to be in America with great Doctors
The are healing properties in laughter
moms who have miscarried are still moms even though their arms maybe empty
Not to take on single moment for granted
God is the giver of all good gifts

I love you Nicholas!!!
I cant wait to meet you one day!

MAY

Time is absolutely flying by...I can hardly believe that we are now in May.
God is answering my praying of teaching me how to release my pain to Him. He has been so faithful with every request that I have made of Him... yes there are times when His answers have not been what I want... but He still answers... still cares.He is still at work in my life!!!
Thank you Heavenly Father for your faithfulness and the grace that you have abundantly poured out in my life!!!!

Jeff, I also wanted to take a moment to tell you thank you. Thank you for holding me in the middle of the night when sleep would not come until the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for letting me cry so hard that I was unable to move. Thank you for me making breakfast, getting the girls ready for their day...Thank you for honoring our marriage vows... for better or worse, and you have seen me at my worst. Thank you for calling me during the day to make sure that I was and am okay. Thank you for being my friend,keeper of all my secrets, my taste tester for all my crazy new cooking ideas(no more black beans or oatmeal), thank you for being you... my husband.
I am so proud to be called your wife. It is really quite an honor and I just wanted you to know I love you... and to inform all that I married the best!!!
Life is never what we plan so I am looking forward to what God has in store for us my darling husband.. to see what new adventure is around the corner waiting for us.
You and me, hand in hand....

light bulb moment

I love Bible Study Fellowship...I know that it may come as a surprise to some... but I love it. This last week were studying Jesus praying in the Garden and submitting to His fathers will... the Cross. The notes were very profound and have greatly changed my out look on Christ and His love for us.
There was a line in the notes that left my mouth hanging open... it read.
Is my suffering wasted without acceptance and therefore without triumphant, because I choose not to receive help from the experience of Jesus nor to bring my suffering to God as Jesus did in earnest prayer!!!

I am sure that to you, the reader, this makes no sense at all... but to me who is going through this suffering it has changed the way I treat my suffering. I have not be faithful to bring it to the Lord in prayer... I have asked for my heart to be healed, to have my children's and husbands heart to be healed...but I have never fully given my suffering, my pain to God. I have held on to it tightly with both hands for fear of letting the pain go. Pain is my only connection with my son... pain was his birth, pain was his leaving, pain is my memory...God wants me to come to Him in earnest prayer asking Him to help he release my pain!
It was a light bulb moment
So, that is what my prayers have changed to... yes we need healing of the heart but before that can really take place we must let go of our pain and become pliable clay in our Fathers hand.That through this experience He can transform and change us into the family He would have us to be!!
I am now anxious to see what plans God has in store for my family and myself.

not my best day... but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow

Today was most certainly not my best in handling my grief. At church today our pastor played a video about a family only having 99 days with their special little boy before he went home to be with the Lord. I sat in shock during the video, unable to breath or move. I was completely paralyzed. I did not want to be sitting there reliving my nightmare of watching the nurse take my dead son away... but I was. The movie finally ended after what I felt was an eternity... and I bolted out of there to the bathroom to cope with all that I was feeling. I am not blaming pastor as I am sure that there was a very valid point to showing the movie in his sermon...which I will be listening to online...but when I choose to dwell and deal with my hurt,loss and grief I choose to do it in the privacy of my home not in the sanctuary at church...but it was just hard to have felt as though I had made some strides in handling my loss and then there in the middle of church my grief reared it angry face and I lost it. Thank heaven for wonderful Godly friends who come alongside and support us in our time of need! Thank you Diona and Elizabeth...you were placed in just the right spots at the right time.

Well, I am ready to put today to bed... and start fresh tomorrow.
His mercy's are new every morning and great is His faithfulness...
I am living in those promises during this time of testing and stretching of my faith!

Praises in the midst of the storm

This last weekend my family had the opportunity to go away to a wonderful home at the beach. While there, Jeff found some new music and we blasted it on the awesome sound system...I listened once and thought hey are they singing about storms and praise. Needing to listen to it again I stopped completely and found myself captivated by the words... again I listened but this time I stood facing west right into the sun and said " I will praise you!" and proceeded to have my own private worship service with the Creator of Heaven and Earth.I wanted to share this beautiful song of praise and worship to the Creator of All things and the One who Gives and Takes Away....
prepare your heart to worship



Psalms 121:1-2
I lift my eyes unto the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of Heaven and earth.

May you praise Him!!!!

ps. the song is by Casting Crowns

2 steps forward... 1 step back... and other words for grief

I have found myself as of late in deep sorrow. I was talking to my husband the other night and we were just talking about what might have been with Nicholas...like playing with cars and trains verses dolls and princess stuff or how different it would have been potty training a boy, just funny everyday stuff. The question arose "do you think we will have another one?". All of the sudden if my insides could have leaped out and screamed they would have yelled... I don't want another one I want my son!!! It was such realization to me that Nicholas is really gone... I will never again in this life see him. I know where he is and that he is being healed in the arms of Jesus...but still knowing all of that I really miss my little boy.
I have flashback of the hospital... after delivering him the nurse laid him on my bed to examine him. He was perfect fully formed... yet gone. The minute I laid eyes on my son he was gone.... I will never hear him laugh with his sisters... I will never clean peanut butter off of his sweat little face... I will never rock him to sleep... my heart is broken when I realize all the things I will not do with Nicholas. I so want to be OK with that, knowing that he is perfect and in perfection worshipping my King ...I want to be able to fully release him to Jesus.
This blog is a total ramble, but if you walked through losing something you understand.
No, I am not mad at God, just wanting His comfort and His peace when I feel as though my pain is stealing my joy. Oh how I long to be in perfection... with the author and giver of all good gifts. For that is what Nicholas is... he is a good gift that for some reason that on this side of heaven I may never know why, died before I really got to know my good gift.. but I take great pleasure in my gift that I still have, Layne, Maisen and my wonderful husband Jeff. And maybe instead of always looking at what I have lost I need to focus on what I still have been blessed and entrusted with.

a shout out to my friend....

My dear friend Laura had surgery on her lung this week. I was visiting her in the hospital and all the memories of my last visit to the hospital flooded my mind. As I sat next to my precious friend wondering why God would allow her to walk trough such a painful and slow recovering surgery He brought to my mind how very blessed Laura and I are to be in America with wonderful doctors and procedures that can take care of us.

I know that in the midst of our personal storm it is hard to sing Gods praises... but I have a friend who has taught me by example that life it not always fair...but we serve a good God who is Faithful and True and does sing Gods praises in all situations. It was His sovereign choice not to heal her with out the help of Dr intervention...but she is clinging to his promise that He is with her and has sent the Holy Spirit to be her comfort and peace giver. I am truly blessed to be Laura's friend, to be a witness to the great things that God is doing in her life!

Laura, I love you and am believing that He who is able will accomplish His perfect will in your life!

good grief...

Today I have had moments of deep grief. I would have thought that 8 weeks out I would not hurt as deeply as I still do. The Lord is working in my life, but I still live in a fallen world where I struggle with allowing worldy passions to control me... and letting go of my anger and hurt is one of them. Now, I don't think that hurting is wrong, but allowing that hurt dictate my day is wrong. I am not being Spirit controlled but allowing my grief, anger,or hurt to run my day from time to time.
I so want the Lord's will and to fully surrender to the Potter's hands.. this is something that I can not do in myself...so I am asking for the Empowering of the Holy Spirit. So that I can be an overcomer and tell of the glorious and marverlous thing's my Father has done in my life.

April 1

I was so excited this morning that we were able to turn the calendar over!
I am making it through this storm... Thank you Heavenly Father for being so faithful and providing all that I have need of. You are a Great God. Worthy of of all my praise.

I am sure reading this blog could start to get redundant after a while, but I so long for the world to know what a Great and Mighty God I serve... this is where I feel most free to express what great things He has done for me and my family! So read on and see that He is faithful and will accomplish His will in my family's and my life!

May His grace surround you heart this day... may the light of His truth shine upon you!

Do I really believe?

I have had it asked do I really believe what I write... Yes I do. Beyond a shadow of a doubt in my heart I believe that God is good and that He is Faithful and True. No, I do not understand His ways...but I trust that His ways are always best.
Romans 11 :33- 36 wonderfully describes Gods ways and that I will bring Him honor in all things at all times!
Romans 11: 33-36
Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgements, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen!

May this passage of Gods Holy Word transform your lives.... For HE is Worthy of all our praise!

6 Weeks

It has been 6 weeks since I found out that my son had died.
Six weeks seems like an eternity at some moments, but at others I feel as though it was yesterday.
I still have moments of grief and deep sorrow but what a comfort to see my Savior turn my mourning into dancing! He has given me back my joy and placed in me hope. Hope is a beautiful thing. Hope that comes from Jesus never disappoints!
I am singing His praises in the midst of this storm.
Last night I was reading journal entry's from the week immediately after my miscarriage. In my journal I was crying out to my Father to restore me, to heal me and to be my sustainer through the this trial of life!
He has been so faithful. My joy and laughter have returned, I can see His joy bubbling in my life and I am so thankful. He has healed my body fully, He has mended my broken heart. My Heavenly Father has also healed Layne's heart and I am so grateful. My Lord has truly been my Sustainer. He is my All! and I boldly proclaim the great things that He has done for me and I am filled with joy!
Lamentations 3:22- 26 sums up my praises
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

fires of sorrow

...sin, sorrow and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake allowing them. Sorrow removes a great deal of a persons shallowness,but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself, ot it destroys me. You can not find or recieve yourself through success, because you lose your head in pride. And you cannot recieve yourself through the monotony of daily life, because you have give in to complaining. The only way to find your self is through the fires of sorrow. Why should it be this immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and recieved himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away.

written by Oswald Chambers

To those who have walked along side me through this firey storm.... from the bottom of my heart I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to cry, to grieve and mourn. You are treasures in my heart and in the Kingdom of God.

Thank you to my fellow mommies with a Little on in heaven who have shared their stories of loss and hope. You have lived out before my eyes 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our times of troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God."

My life will forever be blessed because you cared enough to comfort.

Disappointment

I found this poem and felt that it was quite fitting for a time such as this.


Disappointment
By Phil Keagy

Disappointment- HIS appointment, change one letter,
Then I see, that the thwarting of my purpose
is God's better choice for me.
His appointment must be a blessing,
though it may come in disguise,
For the end from the beginning, open His wisdom lies.

Disappoint-His appointment, whose?
The Lord who loves me best,
Understands and knows me fully,
Who my faith and love would test.
For like a loving, earthly parent,
He rejoices when He knows,
That His child accepts unquestioned
all that from His wisdom flows.

Disappointment-His appointment,
Lord I take it then as such,
Like clay in the hands of the potter
Yeilding wholly to thy touch.
All my life's plan is thy molding,
Not one single choice is mine,
Let me answer unrepining
Father not my will but Thine.

Life Goes on

Well it has been officially 3 weeks since we heard the news that our little boy had left to go be in the arms of Jesus. This has been a tough road... I have never cried so much in my life.
How are we doing is the question most asked. We are doing OK. The tough part still is that Layne keeps asking Jesus to allow her to go to heaven so that she can play with her baby. She tells me a lot that she is really sad cause she wanted to have a brother, she thinks that he would be a lot funner than her sister. I am very quick to remind that it is okay to be sad and miss our baby but that we need and must be grateful for all the wonderful gift that God has given us and that it does include her sister.
I am coping and grieving my loss. I have found huge comfort in the Word. I know some of you are thinking surprise surprise... I was at least. He is my Comforter in my time of pain. He has done great things for my I am filled with joy.
I am also reading a Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. at the end of his book says he describes how mad our loved ones would be if we could call them back from their Saviors Throne. I found great comfort in that... Nicholas would never be content in this world... he is in perfection... he is at the foot of my Savior worshipping his Majesty. What a lucky little guy is he and I should adopt the same attitude of Layne, asking Jesus to return so that I may behold His( not my sons) beauty and worship ,my Lord and Savior.
I have had the question posed how can I not be mad at God? I find this question funny that it seems to be coming to me for the Christian world. Let me preface I have found myself wanting to be mad at God but can not seem to bring myself to be really angry at Him and this is why. I ( we) live in a fallen world. Gods intention for Earth was to have a place of perfection but due to Gods wonderful gift of free will man made a wrong choice and sin entered the world and along with sin came death. In this world which is not our permentnant residence for anyone we become so focused on the unjust and unfairness that we see and face each day.... may I be so bold and say that this world after sin entered was never meant to be easy read Genesis 3 but read it carefully... it does list the consequences for sin but oh what a great promise is given and that is the promise of the Messiah. He did come and bring his salvation to all whom believe in His birth, death and resurrection. I understand from the medical world why my son died but I also know that this world where sin reigns and due to sin death and grief will happen. But I take great comfort that even in this world my Savior didn't leave me alone but sent the Holy Spirit to bring peace and comfort.
Please don't misunderstand, I miss my sweet little boy, but he is resting in the arms of Jesus. He is being kissed and caressed by the One who put this world in existence. As a mom we worry about our kids all the time, I never worry for Nicholas he is spending his eternity in perfection with my Savior, with whom I place all my hope and faith and he never disappoints.
To those who read this and know nothing of this peace and hope in which I write. May I please have the opportunity to tell you about Jesus and His gift.
To all who read I love you all and may His Grace be yours today.

Baby Nicholas

It is with a heavy heart that I write with.
On Friday February 8th I went to the Dr for a regular apptment. I sat with my darling little girls playing Cinderella and Snow White,waiting for the Dr. We laughed and enjoyed one another. Little did I know that in a moment my world would be turned upside down. The Dr came with the doppler to listen to my unborn childs heart beat.... she kept moving it around trying to find it... she said that her machine had bad batteries so she went and got a new one. With the new one she still could find the heart beat. She ran to get the ultrasound machine and said that she could not tell on her tiney machine. The girls and I were hurried over to the ultra sound department for a technician to confirm my worst fear, my unborn child had no heart beat.
I was sent home to wait for a Dr appt on Monday at 9:00 am. I did not make it to Monday. Sunday night I went into labor and gave birth to our perfectly formed son, Nicholas.
We are now greiving our great loss, but find comfort knowing that he passed from my womb straight into the arms of Jesus.
Your prayers during this difficult time are greatly appreciated.

what should we name it mama?

Well we broke the news to the girls and now the big question at hand is what should we name the new baby! Layne and her friend decided that if we have a girl it should be named Zoe and if we have a boy, well she just doesn't know!
Layne asks me every day when does the baby come and how did it get in my belly... oh the curiosity of a 4 year old.
Maisen still doesn't have a clue as to what is going on but not to worry her sister will ask her what we should name the baby... and the answer is always the same Bella. All Maisen's dolls and stuffed animals are named that. She is a funny one!
May the Lord bless you in this that He has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

when is it coming?

We are excited to announce the latest addition of the Harlan family arriving on the 28th of July!
I am sure you all are just as shocked as we were, but not to worry, the shock will wear off eventually.
I went to the Dr today for my first appointment. It was amazing to see that little peanut on the ultra sound kicking and moving all around... I even saw the heartbeat. That is one of those moment where you see how creative and awesome our Great God is.
Well I hope you are starting to recover froms such news!

We will keep you updated with the latest news and events from the Harlan household!