last time

This is the last that I will write in this blog... I am glad that I have had a place to write my thoughts and fears, hopes and joys... but I must bring this chapter to a close.
Nicholas, through your short life I learned what grief and deep sorrow is, I learned how to allow take everyday and see it as a gift. I have learned that I must hug your sisters tighter, hold your daddy longer and enjoy those that God has given to us everytime I see them, cause we really never know when they may be gone.
I miss you my son. I longed to have the mother son relationship, but that was not to be... at least this side of heaven. It is so comforting to know that you are being held by the hands that formed this earth and praising the One who gives life.
I love you Nicholas and can not wait for the day when I enter heaven and you lead me to the King of Kings and we worship Him together, whole and complete.

we are not replacing you

I just felt that I needed to say, even though I am pregnant, I still very much miss Nicholas. This baby growing inside me will never fill the gap of losing him. This child will be unique and special in their own way and I can not wait to find out and meet who ever this one and love it for who they are, but to those who wonder, yes I will always miss my Nicholas, the one that left a little too early.


by the way... if you have not heard the news I am 10 weeks pregnant.
May God grant me peace to endure this pregnancy.

you were should have been here!

Nicholas,
Today was your due date and you should have been here! You should have been sung Twinkle Twinkle by your sisters, you should be have been gently rocked by your daddy, you should have been in my arms!!!
You are not and today I am very saddened by that fact... I know where you are and Who holds you... but I am a little jealous...I wanted to be your mom, rock you, tell you stories, and to smell your sweet baby smell!!! And today I mourn my loss, but celebrate your little life and how wonderful our short time with you was and how many other lives were blessed and bettered in your passing!
We think about you everyday Little One and miss you dearly!


from you mom

Due date

Nicholas' due date was this weekend... I feel that I have been sucker punched by the loss of Jeff's job and my due date falling all in the same week... a week of disappointments yet there is such great hope.... Hope that does not disappoint!
I love you my sweet boy!

Time

For everything their is a season and even though I miss you my sweet boy, my grieving has lessened. I woke up today for probably the 1st time in a long time and did not dwell on my loss. My heart was ready to face the world. I am ready to tell our story...
And with that thought I am a little frightened, who needs comfort in there sorrow, who needs hope that they will live even with such great loss... someone one day will need our story of Gods mercy, grace, healing and hope. And Nicholas, I will tell our story!!
I love you my sweet Boy!

I know somebody....

Today I found out that a friend from church miscarried...she is now apart of the loneliest club....
Pray that God will bring her and her family comfort during the season of grief.

Layne

Today we were playing with some friends and the conversation of Nicholas came up. Layne proceeded to tell her friend all about that fateful Dr.s appointment. Layne told her friend all about the little thing that listens to the baby's heartbeat( the Doppler) and where they put it on mama's belly and that they could not find Nicholas' heart beat because he was dead and with Jesus. My heart broke all over again that I took her with me.. that I did not leave my kids with a friend and that she has had to walk through this. Her pain and grief is so very really and very hard as a mom to watch her walk through... if I could go back and change that decision I would. But I can not, so now I need to know the best way to come along side Layne and help her deal with her sorrow and sadness. Please keep Layne in your prayers. I am asking that My heavenly Father gives me wisdom and right response to all her questions, that I would have patients with her, that I would allow her to grieve so that she and I would both testify to Gods faithfulness through this trial of losing Nicholas.