I have found myself as of late in deep sorrow. I was talking to my husband the other night and we were just talking about what might have been with Nicholas...like playing with cars and trains verses dolls and princess stuff or how different it would have been potty training a boy, just funny everyday stuff. The question arose "do you think we will have another one?". All of the sudden if my insides could have leaped out and screamed they would have yelled... I don't want another one I want my son!!! It was such realization to me that Nicholas is really gone... I will never again in this life see him. I know where he is and that he is being healed in the arms of Jesus...but still knowing all of that I really miss my little boy.
I have flashback of the hospital... after delivering him the nurse laid him on my bed to examine him. He was perfect fully formed... yet gone. The minute I laid eyes on my son he was gone.... I will never hear him laugh with his sisters... I will never clean peanut butter off of his sweat little face... I will never rock him to sleep... my heart is broken when I realize all the things I will not do with Nicholas. I so want to be OK with that, knowing that he is perfect and in perfection worshipping my King ...I want to be able to fully release him to Jesus.
This blog is a total ramble, but if you walked through losing something you understand.
No, I am not mad at God, just wanting His comfort and His peace when I feel as though my pain is stealing my joy. Oh how I long to be in perfection... with the author and giver of all good gifts. For that is what Nicholas is... he is a good gift that for some reason that on this side of heaven I may never know why, died before I really got to know my good gift.. but I take great pleasure in my gift that I still have, Layne, Maisen and my wonderful husband Jeff. And maybe instead of always looking at what I have lost I need to focus on what I still have been blessed and entrusted with.
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