light bulb moment

I love Bible Study Fellowship...I know that it may come as a surprise to some... but I love it. This last week were studying Jesus praying in the Garden and submitting to His fathers will... the Cross. The notes were very profound and have greatly changed my out look on Christ and His love for us.
There was a line in the notes that left my mouth hanging open... it read.
Is my suffering wasted without acceptance and therefore without triumphant, because I choose not to receive help from the experience of Jesus nor to bring my suffering to God as Jesus did in earnest prayer!!!

I am sure that to you, the reader, this makes no sense at all... but to me who is going through this suffering it has changed the way I treat my suffering. I have not be faithful to bring it to the Lord in prayer... I have asked for my heart to be healed, to have my children's and husbands heart to be healed...but I have never fully given my suffering, my pain to God. I have held on to it tightly with both hands for fear of letting the pain go. Pain is my only connection with my son... pain was his birth, pain was his leaving, pain is my memory...God wants me to come to Him in earnest prayer asking Him to help he release my pain!
It was a light bulb moment
So, that is what my prayers have changed to... yes we need healing of the heart but before that can really take place we must let go of our pain and become pliable clay in our Fathers hand.That through this experience He can transform and change us into the family He would have us to be!!
I am now anxious to see what plans God has in store for my family and myself.

not my best day... but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow

Today was most certainly not my best in handling my grief. At church today our pastor played a video about a family only having 99 days with their special little boy before he went home to be with the Lord. I sat in shock during the video, unable to breath or move. I was completely paralyzed. I did not want to be sitting there reliving my nightmare of watching the nurse take my dead son away... but I was. The movie finally ended after what I felt was an eternity... and I bolted out of there to the bathroom to cope with all that I was feeling. I am not blaming pastor as I am sure that there was a very valid point to showing the movie in his sermon...which I will be listening to online...but when I choose to dwell and deal with my hurt,loss and grief I choose to do it in the privacy of my home not in the sanctuary at church...but it was just hard to have felt as though I had made some strides in handling my loss and then there in the middle of church my grief reared it angry face and I lost it. Thank heaven for wonderful Godly friends who come alongside and support us in our time of need! Thank you Diona and Elizabeth...you were placed in just the right spots at the right time.

Well, I am ready to put today to bed... and start fresh tomorrow.
His mercy's are new every morning and great is His faithfulness...
I am living in those promises during this time of testing and stretching of my faith!

Praises in the midst of the storm

This last weekend my family had the opportunity to go away to a wonderful home at the beach. While there, Jeff found some new music and we blasted it on the awesome sound system...I listened once and thought hey are they singing about storms and praise. Needing to listen to it again I stopped completely and found myself captivated by the words... again I listened but this time I stood facing west right into the sun and said " I will praise you!" and proceeded to have my own private worship service with the Creator of Heaven and Earth.I wanted to share this beautiful song of praise and worship to the Creator of All things and the One who Gives and Takes Away....
prepare your heart to worship



Psalms 121:1-2
I lift my eyes unto the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of Heaven and earth.

May you praise Him!!!!

ps. the song is by Casting Crowns

2 steps forward... 1 step back... and other words for grief

I have found myself as of late in deep sorrow. I was talking to my husband the other night and we were just talking about what might have been with Nicholas...like playing with cars and trains verses dolls and princess stuff or how different it would have been potty training a boy, just funny everyday stuff. The question arose "do you think we will have another one?". All of the sudden if my insides could have leaped out and screamed they would have yelled... I don't want another one I want my son!!! It was such realization to me that Nicholas is really gone... I will never again in this life see him. I know where he is and that he is being healed in the arms of Jesus...but still knowing all of that I really miss my little boy.
I have flashback of the hospital... after delivering him the nurse laid him on my bed to examine him. He was perfect fully formed... yet gone. The minute I laid eyes on my son he was gone.... I will never hear him laugh with his sisters... I will never clean peanut butter off of his sweat little face... I will never rock him to sleep... my heart is broken when I realize all the things I will not do with Nicholas. I so want to be OK with that, knowing that he is perfect and in perfection worshipping my King ...I want to be able to fully release him to Jesus.
This blog is a total ramble, but if you walked through losing something you understand.
No, I am not mad at God, just wanting His comfort and His peace when I feel as though my pain is stealing my joy. Oh how I long to be in perfection... with the author and giver of all good gifts. For that is what Nicholas is... he is a good gift that for some reason that on this side of heaven I may never know why, died before I really got to know my good gift.. but I take great pleasure in my gift that I still have, Layne, Maisen and my wonderful husband Jeff. And maybe instead of always looking at what I have lost I need to focus on what I still have been blessed and entrusted with.

a shout out to my friend....

My dear friend Laura had surgery on her lung this week. I was visiting her in the hospital and all the memories of my last visit to the hospital flooded my mind. As I sat next to my precious friend wondering why God would allow her to walk trough such a painful and slow recovering surgery He brought to my mind how very blessed Laura and I are to be in America with wonderful doctors and procedures that can take care of us.

I know that in the midst of our personal storm it is hard to sing Gods praises... but I have a friend who has taught me by example that life it not always fair...but we serve a good God who is Faithful and True and does sing Gods praises in all situations. It was His sovereign choice not to heal her with out the help of Dr intervention...but she is clinging to his promise that He is with her and has sent the Holy Spirit to be her comfort and peace giver. I am truly blessed to be Laura's friend, to be a witness to the great things that God is doing in her life!

Laura, I love you and am believing that He who is able will accomplish His perfect will in your life!

good grief...

Today I have had moments of deep grief. I would have thought that 8 weeks out I would not hurt as deeply as I still do. The Lord is working in my life, but I still live in a fallen world where I struggle with allowing worldy passions to control me... and letting go of my anger and hurt is one of them. Now, I don't think that hurting is wrong, but allowing that hurt dictate my day is wrong. I am not being Spirit controlled but allowing my grief, anger,or hurt to run my day from time to time.
I so want the Lord's will and to fully surrender to the Potter's hands.. this is something that I can not do in myself...so I am asking for the Empowering of the Holy Spirit. So that I can be an overcomer and tell of the glorious and marverlous thing's my Father has done in my life.

April 1

I was so excited this morning that we were able to turn the calendar over!
I am making it through this storm... Thank you Heavenly Father for being so faithful and providing all that I have need of. You are a Great God. Worthy of of all my praise.

I am sure reading this blog could start to get redundant after a while, but I so long for the world to know what a Great and Mighty God I serve... this is where I feel most free to express what great things He has done for me and my family! So read on and see that He is faithful and will accomplish His will in my family's and my life!

May His grace surround you heart this day... may the light of His truth shine upon you!