not sure what to do....help!!!!

I was picking Layne up from school today and her teacher popped out of the class and asked to speak with me...yikes.
Ms Jami proceed to relay a conversation that she had had with Layne that day.
The class was talking about Mothers Day and what did you get for your mommy. Layne piped up "I got a card for my mom from my brother who lives in heaven." She paused for a minute and asked Ms Jami "do you have a baby in heaven"... silence... Ms Jami " Yes, Layne I do." awkward pause... Layne asked "is your baby a boy or a girl?"
Ms Jami said she did not know.

They were finally able to divert Layne's attention else where, but it seemed to really bother her teacher to discuss the topic of death and heaven. I know that it is not a popular topic, but is very real and very fresh in our minds. I just need advise on how to talk with Ms Jami about how Layne is dealing with her grief and help Layne find an outlet to express her grief.
Who knew that this loss would impact my daughter is such a huge way...I am sad for the innocence that is lost, but also so blessed see my daughter excited about Heaven and seeing Jesus... we tell her that is where Nicholas is and because she has asked Jesus in her heart one day too she will be with Jesus!

3 Months....

Today I grieve silently...it has been 3 months since I first learned that Nicholas had gone to be with Jesus....
I found it funny how on this day of all days I was watching my friends kids so that she could go to the Dr for a routine OB check... all is well with Baby Anna who will be making her grand appearance on July 10 and I am so excited to meet her. I have found myself dwelling on that last appointment I had....Thank you Jesus that you have carried me these last 90 days. Thank you for giving me great friends, my darling husband, Your Precious Word, my wonderful children and for chocolate...yes I have indulged.
We as a family are making it one day at a time. Trusting in God to sustain us each and every day... giving us all that we have need of!

Lessons I have learned from my sons life and death:
God is faithful
We are blessed to be in America with great Doctors
The are healing properties in laughter
moms who have miscarried are still moms even though their arms maybe empty
Not to take on single moment for granted
God is the giver of all good gifts

I love you Nicholas!!!
I cant wait to meet you one day!

MAY

Time is absolutely flying by...I can hardly believe that we are now in May.
God is answering my praying of teaching me how to release my pain to Him. He has been so faithful with every request that I have made of Him... yes there are times when His answers have not been what I want... but He still answers... still cares.He is still at work in my life!!!
Thank you Heavenly Father for your faithfulness and the grace that you have abundantly poured out in my life!!!!

Jeff, I also wanted to take a moment to tell you thank you. Thank you for holding me in the middle of the night when sleep would not come until the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for letting me cry so hard that I was unable to move. Thank you for me making breakfast, getting the girls ready for their day...Thank you for honoring our marriage vows... for better or worse, and you have seen me at my worst. Thank you for calling me during the day to make sure that I was and am okay. Thank you for being my friend,keeper of all my secrets, my taste tester for all my crazy new cooking ideas(no more black beans or oatmeal), thank you for being you... my husband.
I am so proud to be called your wife. It is really quite an honor and I just wanted you to know I love you... and to inform all that I married the best!!!
Life is never what we plan so I am looking forward to what God has in store for us my darling husband.. to see what new adventure is around the corner waiting for us.
You and me, hand in hand....

light bulb moment

I love Bible Study Fellowship...I know that it may come as a surprise to some... but I love it. This last week were studying Jesus praying in the Garden and submitting to His fathers will... the Cross. The notes were very profound and have greatly changed my out look on Christ and His love for us.
There was a line in the notes that left my mouth hanging open... it read.
Is my suffering wasted without acceptance and therefore without triumphant, because I choose not to receive help from the experience of Jesus nor to bring my suffering to God as Jesus did in earnest prayer!!!

I am sure that to you, the reader, this makes no sense at all... but to me who is going through this suffering it has changed the way I treat my suffering. I have not be faithful to bring it to the Lord in prayer... I have asked for my heart to be healed, to have my children's and husbands heart to be healed...but I have never fully given my suffering, my pain to God. I have held on to it tightly with both hands for fear of letting the pain go. Pain is my only connection with my son... pain was his birth, pain was his leaving, pain is my memory...God wants me to come to Him in earnest prayer asking Him to help he release my pain!
It was a light bulb moment
So, that is what my prayers have changed to... yes we need healing of the heart but before that can really take place we must let go of our pain and become pliable clay in our Fathers hand.That through this experience He can transform and change us into the family He would have us to be!!
I am now anxious to see what plans God has in store for my family and myself.

not my best day... but there is always the hope of a better tomorrow

Today was most certainly not my best in handling my grief. At church today our pastor played a video about a family only having 99 days with their special little boy before he went home to be with the Lord. I sat in shock during the video, unable to breath or move. I was completely paralyzed. I did not want to be sitting there reliving my nightmare of watching the nurse take my dead son away... but I was. The movie finally ended after what I felt was an eternity... and I bolted out of there to the bathroom to cope with all that I was feeling. I am not blaming pastor as I am sure that there was a very valid point to showing the movie in his sermon...which I will be listening to online...but when I choose to dwell and deal with my hurt,loss and grief I choose to do it in the privacy of my home not in the sanctuary at church...but it was just hard to have felt as though I had made some strides in handling my loss and then there in the middle of church my grief reared it angry face and I lost it. Thank heaven for wonderful Godly friends who come alongside and support us in our time of need! Thank you Diona and Elizabeth...you were placed in just the right spots at the right time.

Well, I am ready to put today to bed... and start fresh tomorrow.
His mercy's are new every morning and great is His faithfulness...
I am living in those promises during this time of testing and stretching of my faith!

Praises in the midst of the storm

This last weekend my family had the opportunity to go away to a wonderful home at the beach. While there, Jeff found some new music and we blasted it on the awesome sound system...I listened once and thought hey are they singing about storms and praise. Needing to listen to it again I stopped completely and found myself captivated by the words... again I listened but this time I stood facing west right into the sun and said " I will praise you!" and proceeded to have my own private worship service with the Creator of Heaven and Earth.I wanted to share this beautiful song of praise and worship to the Creator of All things and the One who Gives and Takes Away....
prepare your heart to worship



Psalms 121:1-2
I lift my eyes unto the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of Heaven and earth.

May you praise Him!!!!

ps. the song is by Casting Crowns

2 steps forward... 1 step back... and other words for grief

I have found myself as of late in deep sorrow. I was talking to my husband the other night and we were just talking about what might have been with Nicholas...like playing with cars and trains verses dolls and princess stuff or how different it would have been potty training a boy, just funny everyday stuff. The question arose "do you think we will have another one?". All of the sudden if my insides could have leaped out and screamed they would have yelled... I don't want another one I want my son!!! It was such realization to me that Nicholas is really gone... I will never again in this life see him. I know where he is and that he is being healed in the arms of Jesus...but still knowing all of that I really miss my little boy.
I have flashback of the hospital... after delivering him the nurse laid him on my bed to examine him. He was perfect fully formed... yet gone. The minute I laid eyes on my son he was gone.... I will never hear him laugh with his sisters... I will never clean peanut butter off of his sweat little face... I will never rock him to sleep... my heart is broken when I realize all the things I will not do with Nicholas. I so want to be OK with that, knowing that he is perfect and in perfection worshipping my King ...I want to be able to fully release him to Jesus.
This blog is a total ramble, but if you walked through losing something you understand.
No, I am not mad at God, just wanting His comfort and His peace when I feel as though my pain is stealing my joy. Oh how I long to be in perfection... with the author and giver of all good gifts. For that is what Nicholas is... he is a good gift that for some reason that on this side of heaven I may never know why, died before I really got to know my good gift.. but I take great pleasure in my gift that I still have, Layne, Maisen and my wonderful husband Jeff. And maybe instead of always looking at what I have lost I need to focus on what I still have been blessed and entrusted with.