For everything their is a season and even though I miss you my sweet boy, my grieving has lessened. I woke up today for probably the 1st time in a long time and did not dwell on my loss. My heart was ready to face the world. I am ready to tell our story...
And with that thought I am a little frightened, who needs comfort in there sorrow, who needs hope that they will live even with such great loss... someone one day will need our story of Gods mercy, grace, healing and hope. And Nicholas, I will tell our story!!
I love you my sweet Boy!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
I know somebody....
Today I found out that a friend from church miscarried...she is now apart of the loneliest club....
Pray that God will bring her and her family comfort during the season of grief.
Pray that God will bring her and her family comfort during the season of grief.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Layne
Today we were playing with some friends and the conversation of Nicholas came up. Layne proceeded to tell her friend all about that fateful Dr.s appointment. Layne told her friend all about the little thing that listens to the baby's heartbeat( the Doppler) and where they put it on mama's belly and that they could not find Nicholas' heart beat because he was dead and with Jesus. My heart broke all over again that I took her with me.. that I did not leave my kids with a friend and that she has had to walk through this. Her pain and grief is so very really and very hard as a mom to watch her walk through... if I could go back and change that decision I would. But I can not, so now I need to know the best way to come along side Layne and help her deal with her sorrow and sadness. Please keep Layne in your prayers. I am asking that My heavenly Father gives me wisdom and right response to all her questions, that I would have patients with her, that I would allow her to grieve so that she and I would both testify to Gods faithfulness through this trial of losing Nicholas.
Monday, May 12, 2008
not sure what to do....help!!!!
I was picking Layne up from school today and her teacher popped out of the class and asked to speak with me...yikes.
Ms Jami proceed to relay a conversation that she had had with Layne that day.
The class was talking about Mothers Day and what did you get for your mommy. Layne piped up "I got a card for my mom from my brother who lives in heaven." She paused for a minute and asked Ms Jami "do you have a baby in heaven"... silence... Ms Jami " Yes, Layne I do." awkward pause... Layne asked "is your baby a boy or a girl?"
Ms Jami said she did not know.
They were finally able to divert Layne's attention else where, but it seemed to really bother her teacher to discuss the topic of death and heaven. I know that it is not a popular topic, but is very real and very fresh in our minds. I just need advise on how to talk with Ms Jami about how Layne is dealing with her grief and help Layne find an outlet to express her grief.
Who knew that this loss would impact my daughter is such a huge way...I am sad for the innocence that is lost, but also so blessed see my daughter excited about Heaven and seeing Jesus... we tell her that is where Nicholas is and because she has asked Jesus in her heart one day too she will be with Jesus!
Ms Jami proceed to relay a conversation that she had had with Layne that day.
The class was talking about Mothers Day and what did you get for your mommy. Layne piped up "I got a card for my mom from my brother who lives in heaven." She paused for a minute and asked Ms Jami "do you have a baby in heaven"... silence... Ms Jami " Yes, Layne I do." awkward pause... Layne asked "is your baby a boy or a girl?"
Ms Jami said she did not know.
They were finally able to divert Layne's attention else where, but it seemed to really bother her teacher to discuss the topic of death and heaven. I know that it is not a popular topic, but is very real and very fresh in our minds. I just need advise on how to talk with Ms Jami about how Layne is dealing with her grief and help Layne find an outlet to express her grief.
Who knew that this loss would impact my daughter is such a huge way...I am sad for the innocence that is lost, but also so blessed see my daughter excited about Heaven and seeing Jesus... we tell her that is where Nicholas is and because she has asked Jesus in her heart one day too she will be with Jesus!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
3 Months....
Today I grieve silently...it has been 3 months since I first learned that Nicholas had gone to be with Jesus....
I found it funny how on this day of all days I was watching my friends kids so that she could go to the Dr for a routine OB check... all is well with Baby Anna who will be making her grand appearance on July 10 and I am so excited to meet her. I have found myself dwelling on that last appointment I had....Thank you Jesus that you have carried me these last 90 days. Thank you for giving me great friends, my darling husband, Your Precious Word, my wonderful children and for chocolate...yes I have indulged.
We as a family are making it one day at a time. Trusting in God to sustain us each and every day... giving us all that we have need of!
Lessons I have learned from my sons life and death:
God is faithful
We are blessed to be in America with great Doctors
The are healing properties in laughter
moms who have miscarried are still moms even though their arms maybe empty
Not to take on single moment for granted
God is the giver of all good gifts
I love you Nicholas!!!
I cant wait to meet you one day!
I found it funny how on this day of all days I was watching my friends kids so that she could go to the Dr for a routine OB check... all is well with Baby Anna who will be making her grand appearance on July 10 and I am so excited to meet her. I have found myself dwelling on that last appointment I had....Thank you Jesus that you have carried me these last 90 days. Thank you for giving me great friends, my darling husband, Your Precious Word, my wonderful children and for chocolate...yes I have indulged.
We as a family are making it one day at a time. Trusting in God to sustain us each and every day... giving us all that we have need of!
Lessons I have learned from my sons life and death:
God is faithful
We are blessed to be in America with great Doctors
The are healing properties in laughter
moms who have miscarried are still moms even though their arms maybe empty
Not to take on single moment for granted
God is the giver of all good gifts
I love you Nicholas!!!
I cant wait to meet you one day!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
MAY
Time is absolutely flying by...I can hardly believe that we are now in May.
God is answering my praying of teaching me how to release my pain to Him. He has been so faithful with every request that I have made of Him... yes there are times when His answers have not been what I want... but He still answers... still cares.He is still at work in my life!!!
Thank you Heavenly Father for your faithfulness and the grace that you have abundantly poured out in my life!!!!
Jeff, I also wanted to take a moment to tell you thank you. Thank you for holding me in the middle of the night when sleep would not come until the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for letting me cry so hard that I was unable to move. Thank you for me making breakfast, getting the girls ready for their day...Thank you for honoring our marriage vows... for better or worse, and you have seen me at my worst. Thank you for calling me during the day to make sure that I was and am okay. Thank you for being my friend,keeper of all my secrets, my taste tester for all my crazy new cooking ideas(no more black beans or oatmeal), thank you for being you... my husband.
I am so proud to be called your wife. It is really quite an honor and I just wanted you to know I love you... and to inform all that I married the best!!!
Life is never what we plan so I am looking forward to what God has in store for us my darling husband.. to see what new adventure is around the corner waiting for us.
You and me, hand in hand....
God is answering my praying of teaching me how to release my pain to Him. He has been so faithful with every request that I have made of Him... yes there are times when His answers have not been what I want... but He still answers... still cares.He is still at work in my life!!!
Thank you Heavenly Father for your faithfulness and the grace that you have abundantly poured out in my life!!!!
Jeff, I also wanted to take a moment to tell you thank you. Thank you for holding me in the middle of the night when sleep would not come until the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for letting me cry so hard that I was unable to move. Thank you for me making breakfast, getting the girls ready for their day...Thank you for honoring our marriage vows... for better or worse, and you have seen me at my worst. Thank you for calling me during the day to make sure that I was and am okay. Thank you for being my friend,keeper of all my secrets, my taste tester for all my crazy new cooking ideas(no more black beans or oatmeal), thank you for being you... my husband.
I am so proud to be called your wife. It is really quite an honor and I just wanted you to know I love you... and to inform all that I married the best!!!
Life is never what we plan so I am looking forward to what God has in store for us my darling husband.. to see what new adventure is around the corner waiting for us.
You and me, hand in hand....
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
light bulb moment
I love Bible Study Fellowship...I know that it may come as a surprise to some... but I love it. This last week were studying Jesus praying in the Garden and submitting to His fathers will... the Cross. The notes were very profound and have greatly changed my out look on Christ and His love for us.
There was a line in the notes that left my mouth hanging open... it read.
Is my suffering wasted without acceptance and therefore without triumphant, because I choose not to receive help from the experience of Jesus nor to bring my suffering to God as Jesus did in earnest prayer!!!
I am sure that to you, the reader, this makes no sense at all... but to me who is going through this suffering it has changed the way I treat my suffering. I have not be faithful to bring it to the Lord in prayer... I have asked for my heart to be healed, to have my children's and husbands heart to be healed...but I have never fully given my suffering, my pain to God. I have held on to it tightly with both hands for fear of letting the pain go. Pain is my only connection with my son... pain was his birth, pain was his leaving, pain is my memory...God wants me to come to Him in earnest prayer asking Him to help he release my pain!
It was a light bulb moment
So, that is what my prayers have changed to... yes we need healing of the heart but before that can really take place we must let go of our pain and become pliable clay in our Fathers hand.That through this experience He can transform and change us into the family He would have us to be!!
I am now anxious to see what plans God has in store for my family and myself.
There was a line in the notes that left my mouth hanging open... it read.
Is my suffering wasted without acceptance and therefore without triumphant, because I choose not to receive help from the experience of Jesus nor to bring my suffering to God as Jesus did in earnest prayer!!!
I am sure that to you, the reader, this makes no sense at all... but to me who is going through this suffering it has changed the way I treat my suffering. I have not be faithful to bring it to the Lord in prayer... I have asked for my heart to be healed, to have my children's and husbands heart to be healed...but I have never fully given my suffering, my pain to God. I have held on to it tightly with both hands for fear of letting the pain go. Pain is my only connection with my son... pain was his birth, pain was his leaving, pain is my memory...God wants me to come to Him in earnest prayer asking Him to help he release my pain!
It was a light bulb moment
So, that is what my prayers have changed to... yes we need healing of the heart but before that can really take place we must let go of our pain and become pliable clay in our Fathers hand.That through this experience He can transform and change us into the family He would have us to be!!
I am now anxious to see what plans God has in store for my family and myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
